So, a few days ago I was leaving work and decided to stop in the local Toys R Us.  I haven’t been in that store since I was a kid.  I remember it being a lot larger.  Anyway, I thought I would familiarize myself with what is out there now for kids.  With all the new techno toys I am a bit out of the loop.  I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to walk the store in a half hour.  I spotted some familiar items from my youth and was able to spot some leapster possibilities.  The next day I mentioned to the ladies in the office my brief field trip and Kim told me that they have registries.  Who knew?  Not me. 

So last night, I ventured back to the land of toys and spoke to a very nice customer service lady that was happy to set me up.  I figured that I could at the very least treat the registry as a way to create a list of the things that I wanted to get.  It was funny because she asked me if I wanted a registry for a baby shower or a birthday party.  Of course, with CP being 6, the answer was neither.  So, with a little explaining, we decided I should do the registry for a party. 

It was surreal writing in the requested child information.  I had not seen CP’s first name with my last name yet and it didn’t look awful.  I don’t have a traditional Smithesque last name so it could have been a mouthful but in fact it was okay. 

I feel sorry for her already…I have had to spell my last name for as long as I can remember.  Oh well, at least she doesn’t have to inherit my schnoz.  That is a blessing in itself! 

After I was done, I reluctantly handed over the paperwork. – NOTE:  I wanted to keep it as a memento of the first time I ever saw her new full name.  So you can tell from that confession that I was already feeling sentimental.  It gets worse. – Then, I was handed back an electronic device similar to a price scanner.  Before she handed it to me she asked me if I knew how to use it.  It took me a second to realize that, no, I didn’t.  She explained it to me and I took it.  And then as I was walking away it hit me. 

For most of you, women my age, you have registered for something – a bridal shower, a wedding, a baby shower, god knows what else that I can’t think of – but I have not.  It was one of those things that I knew other people did and got to experience that I had, over the years, lumped into the category of, “Boy would that be nice but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.  I’ll put it out of my mind and be thankful for my good health and good friends and good pets and anything else good that I was able to think of.”  This category had and still has, well, a decent amount of stuff in it.  I liken it to a back closet where you stack stuff up so high and so full and eventually over time forget what all is even in there. 

Well, I had done such a good job of forgetting what was in there (why dwell on the things that you can’t change and cause you pain and sadness) that when I found myself standing there in the Toys R Us with the scanner in my hand the realization dawned on me and took me by complete surprise - Oh, …. wow, …hey… I was actually registering for something.  

I wasn’t going to go through life and never have this experience.  It was an experience I WAS going to get to have.  And I was having it RIGHT NOW! 

So there I was in the Toys R Us, in the baby doll aisle, holding the scanner with one hand and trying to sop up the watershed with my other hand and my sleeve.   Not my best moment, but still on the whole, a pretty nice experience and one that I wouldn’t give back. 

I have not gotten too teary-eyed so far in this whole process but I have a feeling that might not last much longer.  I know that as time gets closer, I am going to get closer to getting to experience more things that I thought were going to be lost in that closet forever. 

Some of the things that I am looking forward to getting to experience on a regular basis are:

being called Mommy

calling her “my daughter”

holding her little hand in mine

getting to give hugs and get them back, the quick little hugs, the big bear hugs, the hugs where you squeeze tight

kissing her on the forehead, on the cheek, Eskimo kisses and butterfly ones too – getting little girl kisses back

watching her face when she learns something new and gets it

watching her face when she experiences something new (should be a lot of this)

being used as a pillow

and so many more things I can’t even name them all

I know it is not all roses and sunshine but I am even looking forward to the downside, as those too are experiences I thought I would never have. 

I plan on going back to the Toys R Us in Downers Grove tomorrow – I only got as far as the baby dolls and accessories and the Crayola aisle – if you think I am trying to stretch out this experience as much as I can you would be absolutely right – feel free to join me in the Leap pad aisle but I make no guarantees that I won’t be a little drippy, happy but drippy.